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T-minus 10 hours until they announce the results of the SPM candidates of 2013.
I can't seem to get my head off it so let's talk shall we?
Coming into the year 2013, I knew what I had to do. I had to study and work my butt off and not disappoint. I was put into (what they call) the first science class which is huge deal at my school and I believe all the other schools in Malaysia (majority thinking). With a class of 35 students, I was one of the only eight Malays in the class. My father was so proud.
Of course, this means his expectations were higher. His expectations are always higher with me. I am the first child after all. I remember when I was in middle school, my father used to get mad at me for getting a B. All my other friends got C's and their parents thought it was okay. I guess he always wanted me to be the best.
I am afraid. So afraid, I could barely breathe. I feel like I'm being forced to breathe underwater. I am drowning in my fears of disappointing him. To see his eyes and to know that I have failed him. To never be able to be the same person again. I can't handle it. Sometimes I get so lost in my depression that I just feel dark, nothing but black emptiness.
How could I make you happy, Daddy? What if I don't get what you want me to get? What if I fail you Daddy?
It brings tears in my eyes to think of the possibility of me not achieving the straight A's that he wants.
But honestly, I feel like I'm going to disappoint. I have this feeling that I will get a B for at least one subject. I'm self-doubting myself and I don't know why. Maybe it's to lower my expectations, maybe it's just a feeling. Who knows?
I think this is enough for now. I feel even more depressed than before. I'm going to sleep because it's the only way one escapes from reality for a moment. Hopefully I'll wake up with a new found excitement. If not, then Allah help me get through tomorrow in one piece.
With love,
Ainna Dean.
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