It's a Personal Thing

Today, I want to talk (or write and/or type if you want to be technical about it) about being nice. (Great, yet another useless topic being discussed on Ainna's Peanut Blog)

WHAT IS NICE?

Well, according to the Merriam-Webster Dictionary, nice is (in the context) someone or something who or that is pleasing and agreeable. It is nice to receive flowers for example, or help others.

I try my best to be nice. I help anyone and everyone I could and I stay in good terms with almost everyone. It is kinda hard sometimes especially when you really need something but you choose to help others first.

What I end up feeling? Under-appreciated, unloved and unwanted. People who are nice tend to be stepped on or pushed aside. The sad truth of our society is that we don't say thank you enough and mean it.

A simple thank you is indeed just a phrase used to express gratitude to other being. However, the generation of today toss it around so often that it has lost its meaning. All I want is to be appreciated.

I also tend to keep hateful commentaries to myself. This however is the con of being nice. When you keep them, they keep building up and building up until you can't take it anymore then BAM! you explode into a tantrum of rants on twitter or yells to your siblings.

It's as if I have anger issues. I might actually. I need to see a psychologist. Hmm. I'll write to you readers again in the near future.

Until then,
Ainna.

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The Reason Behind The Charade

I'm been crushing on actors since I was a kid. But never have I been more obsessed than now. The whole "this is my husband" or "he's mine, you can't have him" or even the "one for each day" is just a distraction.

Being broken hearted (save the sob story ainna...), whenever I watch all these movies with these exceptionally handsome men, I feel better. So so much better.

All of them combined is the image of the perfect man. One who won't hurt my feelings. I wouldn't have to be worried about being torn apart. I get the cute romantic antics without the heartbreak.

After a year and 5 months of constantly having the same person call you beautiful or pretty, when it stops, you'll feel ugly. Atleast I did. I really did. I felt like (excuse my language) shit.

But these imaginary guys in my mind, they have nothing but good things to say. It builds my confidence somehow.

I know I sound like a complete psycho now but it works and it makes me happy. Am I not good enough for happiness? All I wanted was someone to reassure me.

With this, I'll put in a few pictures of my "husbands". This needed to be explained :)

Love, Ainna.

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Reminisce

It is rather inappropriate to reminisce on the past. Especially when past brought you so much happiness and pain all at once.

After what had happened, I tried shutting away from you. You wouldn't let me. Let me rephrase that, I wouldn't let myself. You were and still are much too valuable for me to lose.

I'm doing considerable well, given the circumstances. I rarely ever think about you anymore and I have stopped myself from pushing the limits of our friendship.

Today was different. It started off as any other day. I felt neutral, neither happy nor sad. But you see, when I saw that number flashing across my phone screen, I felt a familiar feeling. My heart racing, my voice barely wanting to make a sound and my mind trying to figure out what to say.

Everything has changed except for this. I've always felt this way when you call. I'd blurt out things I really wish I could take back. I'd smile like there wasn't a care in the world.

That's the one thing I can't control. It's like my mind won't get over you. It falls victim whenever I hear you voice and to be honest, you are quite the persuader.

Don't get the wrong idea, I couldn't care less whether or not you still like me or you're having a fling with some other girl. Apart from this, I have moved on.

I wrote this so that I could remind myself to not let myself behave that way. My sincerest apologies to whoever I might have offended.

Good Night World

With love,
Ainna.

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Something different :)

This is the lyrics to the Coldplay song The Scientist

Come up to meet you, tell you I'm sorry
You don't know how lovely you are
I had to find you, tell you I need you
Tell you I'll set you apart

Tell me your secrets and ask me your questions
Oh let's go back to the start
Running in circles, coming in tails
Heads on a science apart

Nobody said it was easy
It's such a shame for us to part
Nobody said it was easy
No one ever said it would be this hard
Oh, take me back to the start.

I was just guessing at numbers and figures
Pulling your puzzles apart
Questions of science, science and progress
Do not speak as loud as my heart

Tell me you love me, come back and haunt me
Oh and I rush to the start
Running in circles, chasing our tails
Coming back as we are

Nobody said it was easy
Oh it's such a shame for us to part
Nobody said it was easy
No one ever said it would be so hard
I'm going back to the start

- This song means a great deal to me. It is how I feel in my heart deep down in the place I left open with unanswered questions. The song was right, nobody said it was easy, no one ever said it would be this hard. If I could, I really would go back to the start.-

As always
With love,
Ainna.

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You never knew

"The shattering of a heart when broken is the loudest quiet ever."
- Carroll Bryant

When you look at someone as this wonderful person, you've got nothing negative to say about them. You've never thought of anything, ever.

Out of the blue, they're telling you all these things about yourself that you've never heard before. Bad things, things that you did not know.

You sit there just absolutely speechless. You don't know what to say or how to respond.

All these things that you've done and all the things that you thought were enough actually weren't enough at all. Whatever you were doing was not good enough. You did not show enough and you did not give enough or do enough.

There were things instinctively you shoul've done and you should've known to do, you just didn't know.

You don't get a second chance, sorry. You don't get one because you don't deserve one.

It's hard to understand what's going on because you thought that the only thing you've done really well in your life was this person.

Turns out, you had failed.
Then you get to the how fast they find someone to replace you.
A person that he/she has only known for a few days.
You think to yourself, how could he/she
?

You don't understand it but you have to face it either way.

* This is my blog so I am allowed to convey my emotions however I want. This was not written by me but spoken by Wayne Goss, a make up artist on youtube regarding the leaving of his best friend. It seemed to fit me so I decided to type it out. I'm sorry if this was too emotional for your liking but you know what? I don't live to impress.

With the warmth of my heart,
Ainna.

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The Things I enjoy :)

Academic wise, I enjoy studying Mathematics and Physics. I'm not so fond of homework. I love the rush when I get the answers right ^^ what can I say? I have a gift.

Ways to pass time,
I enjoy reading. The current books I am in love with are The Hunger Games Trilogy, The Fault in Our Star and Looking for Alaska. Old time favourites would be the Harry Potter Series and the Twilight Saga.

I also enjoy gaming. Games I love would be, the Call of Duty franchise, the Tom Clancy franchise, Dance Central franchise, the Harry Potter games 1-7, Pokemon, Innocent Life and World of Warcraft. Basically any game that seems fun or it first person shooter, I'd go for it.

Music wise, I'm quite open with my genres. I listen to most: Panic! at The Disco, My Chemical Romance, Fall Out Boy, 30 Seconds to Mars, Maroon 5 and BIGBANG. But really, i listen to all genres. Well, except for One Direction because I just don't like them (I can say whatever I want).

I'm not an outdoors kinda person mainly because Malaysia is hot and humid and ugh. But if I was in London, I'd go out like all the time. Oh yeah, I like traveling ^^

I, like many girls, am obsessed with high heels and makeup. Don't think just because I do boy things and listen to rock make me love makeup less. It's just part of who I am.

I guess that's it. I'll update you guys later.

Ciao, Ainna.

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Hate

Hate. According to the Merriam-Webster dictionary, hate is intense hostility and aversion from fear, anger or sense of injury. What's the opposite of hate? Is it LOVE?

When you love someone and all of a sudden you don't anymore, does that mean you hate them? Do you hate them for making you hang around like a second choice? Do you hate them for not saying they love you?

Being in love. It feels beautiful and amazing. So good that nothing could possibly go wrong. Nothing could possibly take your happiness away. Until that fine that when the person you love the most took it away.

At that time, you don't hate him/her. Even if you say you do, you never mean it. A part of you will disagree with you. You're just acting tough in hopes that the person comes back.

But what if they don't? Will you hate them now? Call the idiots and be the hero?

In my opinion,
How could you hate someone who meant the world to you?
How could you hate the person who gave so much for you to remember?
How could you hate the same person who without fail, will make you smile when you feel down?

You just can't. All that defence tactics and putting a wall around yourself is so that people don't see how much you still care.

Hard as it is, somethings just can't be saved. Even if years pass after your "scene", you won't have hate for that person. Because he/she is part of your life and hating him/her will make you sound ungrateful :)

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I apologize :/

I'm sorry. I have just noticed thar I promised a book review months ago and yet I haven't done it yet. I am the worse blogger in history.

I've been busy lately because trials are just around the corner and I'm trying to learn as much as time and God wills me. I'm starting to feel the heat but I compose myself before I get a chance to freak out so don't worry about me.I have loads of homework and loads of catching up to do but I promise I'll update as much as I can.

I'll have a story coming up on the blog. It's an assignment essay that I have to do for english class. The assignment goes:
Write a story that ends with
"... I realise that every word she said was true."
I have a solid plot planned out so it will be exciting to see how it comes out.

I apologise again.

Till then,
Ainna.

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How Transisitors Work

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IcrBqCFLHIY&feature=youtube_gdata_player

I've recently finish learning the chapter Electronic at school. It was an interesting topic and I knew that it was in my nature to look for a video regarding this.

I stumbled upon a video by the very famous (and handsome) Veritasium who explained how Transistors actually work.

It helps me apply what I've learnt and I find it super cool that our Transisitors now are the size of 50 atoms. That is freakishly small.

Have a go and watch the video. You might just love the channel and be a subscriber, like me :)

With love,
Ainna.

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Burning the Past

Today marks the 51st day. Hmm.

The first few days were rough. I could never think about him to stop myself from crying. He meant so much to me. So much. My heart ached so bad, it hurt to breathe.

I never expected us to not work. Oh all the promises we shared, now like a faded memory but still clear in my mind. He was in everything I did. I wanted to do things because of him, because he gave me this feeling I've never felt before. Maybe that was my mistake, I let him in everything in my life. I had nowhere to fall when things get bad.

He is genuinely a nice person with a good heart and an amazing personality. Atleast, that was who I feel in love with in the first place. He always said the nicest things and he'd always be so sweet to me. He was perfect and whoever wins his heart will be lucky to have him.

I was selfish and cruel. No one deserves what I did to him. If I could turn back time, I would beg then and there but because I wanted him to rest, because I knew he was tired, I left it at that. I wish he'd talk it through with me first. He made the decision so abruptly. He changed everything so fast. I was left without saying a word.

I guess he and I just weren't meant to be. As much as I miss him and all the memories we shared, I don't think we can ever be together again.

It's hard to be his friend now but I try my best because I want him to be part of my life, eventhough I know I can't have him. Atleast him being there would ease the pain by a fraction.

I hope that one day I might move on completely from him. I believe that one day in my life, I will meet the real person who I will spend my life with. And I hope that he does the same.

Where ever you are, I want to say that I only wish the best for you because you deserve a person a thousand times better than I was. A person who will fill you with light and happiness. A person who could take your hand and guide you out of that shadow you put on yourself. A person you can finally call yours.

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As Told By Ginger

As Told By Ginger has taught me to trust in fate.

Ginger started off being friends with Darren and they dated each other. Darren felt that Ginger was too preoccupied with other thing until he felt lonely and unwanted. Lucky for him, there was another girl he could rely on making him feel better. And so he broke up with Ginger and it made her feel like her world was crashing down into dust.
She failed to realize that Orion cared for her and really liked her. They were together.

The ending however showed Ginger and Darren as a family. I would have wanted Orion but that was what the writter wanted so can't question that.

I guess what I'm trying to say is, things will be brighter in the end and if I stay in this hole I made for myself, I might just miss it :)

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Forever by Ainna Dean

Poison, Oxytocin, Cyanide, Drug
You're gonna leave alone
No one behind you
People are temporary
Feelings are temporary
You are temporary
Tell me, does forever exist?
Not enough for the human race to grasp

You get so close
To the point where you can almost taste it
When really you were millions of miles away from it
It lies to you
Provokes you
Contains you

Don't even try
Because dissapointment will come as a friend
Shadows will come as a guide
Negativity will cloud you

Bounded by a bond
Deplorable, that's what you are
Wishing you could change yourself?
Who are you kidding?
You can't handle this
You're not capable of this

Just an empty shell now
Nothing to give
Nothing to take
Once had hope in the lies of a broken stereo
Deeper than the sea
Under all that pressure
You won't survive
Slowly you drift away.

Don't be naive
Walk away while you still can
Or regret when you're me

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The Fault In Our Stars

I have always been facinated by the cool science videos on youtube. Channels like SciShow, Vsauce, Veritasium1, The Spangler Effect, Minute Physics and others that I could make a long list of. They amaze me of the actually science that goes through everything.

Watching SciShow, I discovered Hank Green; a funny guy so to speak. I later discovered his brother, John Green and subscribe to his many channels. The brothers have this vibe to them that makes you want to continuously watch.

At school, a couple of my school mates were carrying along this book, The Fault in our Stars by John Green. I instinctively thought that maybe this John and the John Green I know were two separate people.

I was wrong; I realised as I was scrolling through old videos of John Green on his channel. I knew it would be a great book in a blink of an eye.

I have not bought it yet but I will later this afternoon when I go greet Daddy at the Kuala Lumpur International Airport (KLIA). I look forward to read this wonderful book with excitement and enthusiasm.

Ciao, Ainna.

PS: There will be pictures of the book, the author and the brother to the author at the end of the blog.
1. John Green
2. The Fault in our Stars
3. Hank Green

PSS: I will write a review on the book as soon as I finish reading it.

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Exams, Exams, Exams...

So up to now, I have finished BM paper 1 and 2, English paper 1 and 2, Sejarah paper 2 and 3, Biology paper 1 and 2.

Tomorow, Smksbs Form 4s and 5s will be doing Maths paper 2 and Sejarah Paper 1.

Today's review of the exams of Biology paper 1 and 2. I was quite proud of myself for bring able to finish the paper 2 with little resistance. But, I was however devastated about my paper 1. It was hard, difficult and just plain old crazy. It was so hard that I finally gave up and did some doodles you can check out at the end.

Now I'm just studying for the papers tomorow T.T I am getting soooo bored >.>

Well, better late then never I say ^w^ (DONT TAKE MY ADVICE, I AM SERIOUS).

I guess that's all for today, will keep you (no one) posted in the near future

Ciao, Ainna

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