What's Next?

Hello,

I realised I haven't told you lot about my exam results so I shall, now, if that makes any sense. I'm deeply sorry for the delay, I have a lot on my plate right now and updating my blog isn't on top of my list. However, since I have some spare time, I might as well get on with it.

On the 20th of March, SPM results for the candidates that took them on November/December of 2014 were released. My school had gotten 56 all A students. 8 of them are Malay. 7 of them from my class and 1 of the from the Technical Drawing class. In my class, there are only 8 Malays. Could you guess who didn't manage to bag 9 A's? If you guessed me, you are correct, congratulations.

I had gotten 8A's and 1B+. The B is for my Bahasa Melayu (BM) Paper. I guess it wasn't as depressing as I thought it would be. I actually thought it was going to be Additional Mathematics but it wasn't. I guess it's not a depressing, it's just language anyways...

On the day, we were told that we could know our results via text message. I of course went on with it thinking it wouldn't work. I was wrong. Just before my school started announcing the all A's students, my phone vibrated, signalling that I had a text message. 

1 A+, 3 A, 4 A-, 1B+

I walked to my dad, showed him the text and immediately started crying. I had failed myself and I had failed him. The text message didn't specify what I got B so I assumed it was Additional Mathematics.

Then I learned that it was BM. Joy.

I'm sending it for a recheck just incase they miscalculated anything but if it comes back the same then I guess that's just fate.

The next blog post, I'll be talking about my CAT-ACCA application and my UPU application.

Till then.

Yours Sincerely,

Ainna.

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Results, Expectations and Self-Doubt

20th March 2014

T-minus 10 hours until they announce the results of the SPM candidates of 2013.

I can't seem to get my head off it so let's talk shall we?

Coming into the year 2013, I knew what I had to do. I had to study and work my butt off and not disappoint. I was put into (what they call) the first science class which is huge deal at my school and I believe all the other schools in Malaysia (majority thinking). With a class of 35 students, I was one of the only eight Malays in the class. My father was so proud.

Of course, this means his expectations were higher. His expectations are always higher with me. I am the first child after all. I remember when I was in middle school, my father used to get mad at me for getting a B. All my other friends got C's and their parents thought it was okay. I guess he always wanted me to be the best.

I am afraid. So afraid, I could barely breathe. I feel like I'm being forced to breathe underwater. I am drowning in my fears of disappointing him. To see his eyes and to know that I have failed him. To never be able to be the same person again. I can't handle it. Sometimes I get so lost in my depression that I just feel dark, nothing but black emptiness.

How could I make you happy, Daddy? What if I don't get what you want me to get? What if I fail you Daddy?

It brings tears in my eyes to think of the possibility of me not achieving the straight A's that he wants.

But honestly, I feel like I'm going to disappoint. I have this feeling that I will get a B for at least one subject. I'm self-doubting myself and I don't know why. Maybe it's to lower my expectations, maybe it's just a feeling. Who knows?

I think this is enough for now. I feel even more depressed than before. I'm going to sleep because it's the only way one escapes from reality for a moment. Hopefully I'll wake up with a new found excitement. If not, then Allah help me get through tomorrow in one piece.

With love,

Ainna Dean.

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